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I am a 19 years old girl. I grew up in a religious family, they taught us la ilaha illa Allah, Muhammad Rasool Allah (there is no god but Allah and Muhammad is His messenger). They planted the principles of Islam in our minds and the pillars of it in our hearts. All praise be to Allah for this great grace.
I was sexually abused by a person relates to my family eight times. He became a nightmare in my life. I still see him in all faces. After a period of time I got rid of these horrible memories by Allah’s help then by my fiancée’s. I told my fiancée everything happened in details; because he knew some how through some people I do not know who they are. These people gave my fiancée the number of that man who abused me and my fiancée called him, he told him lies about me, things that have nothing to do with what has really happened. So I had to tell him the truth and explain, when he told me that he found out. My fiancée understood my situation and helped me to forget the matter. After this we had a problem, so I suggested staying away from each other for sometime to calm down, until we find some solution. Then he shocked me by his reaction, which is separation. I tried to understand why he decided this. I found that who helped me is now telling me how weak and narrow minded I am. His revenge was destroying my life.
I tried then to bring this problem to an end, but he insisted on consulting a scholar in the matter. He asked me to ask the scholar about the reward that will be waiting for him, and what he should do especially that he can not stop thinking of taking revenge.
Please tell me about a similar story that happened in the past, and what shall I do now? No one believes that I am innocent but Allah knows best that I am. I do not complain of my grief but to Allah the All-Knowing.
I want to tell you that recently I been very firm with my fiancée, while I am the reason for his suffering. But I realised my mistake and I want to make up. Tell me what I should do.
Finally: please excuse me and forgive me. Please answer my question as soon as possible. May Allah reward you.
You may be wondering why I did not tell my family about what happened although it was repeated eight times. The reason is the fear, my fear of the scandal especially that he was threatening and hitting me, and that there is no talk about these matters at all at our home.
I wish you understand me, may Allah reward you
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
We ask Allaah to relieve your distress and grief, for the effects of molestation are many and great. We ask Allaah to destroy those molesters and those who are not kept in check by religious commitment, reason or decent human nature, for they have no respect for religious teachings, they have corrupted their reason and lost their decent human nature.
If we are surprised by anything, that this criminal molested you at the age of 16, because this is an age at which one is big and able to shout and defend oneself, especially as that happened a number of times. You could also have stopped him by telling your family. No matter how cut off the family members may be from one another, they would not take such incidents lightly. We think that this criminal molester has conveyed this message to your fiancé and told him that you agreed to what he did, and he is the one who has made him change his attitude towards you.
We believe that you were forced, and that you could not escape from his evil actions. We want to support you at this hard time, so we say:
This is something that Allaah decreed for you. Chaste Muslim women in prisons in Muslim and kaafir countries have suffered a great deal from molestation and rape at the hands of Muslim and kaafir evildoers. One's heart would break when hearing their stories and one would wish that he had died before hearing such things.
Our consolation is that Allaah will wreak vengeance upon these criminals, and that Allaah will decree reward for our sisters, but they should seek reward with Him for these calamities. They must bear with patience that which Allaah has decreed for them. It is not permissible for them to commit suicide and kill themselves, for that is a crime and a major sin. We are not saying that it is something easy for the woman who has been molested, rather it is a serious matter, and the effects on the molested woman are grave. Some of them suffer mental illnesses, and some commit suicide or think of suicide. Some of them follow a path of deviation and haraam relationships with strangers. Some of them become depressed and alienated from their husbands. Hence it is essential for the woman who has been molested to seek reward for what has happened to her and to bear its effects with patience, and to seek strength by acts of obedience and faith so that Allaah may honour her with purity of heart and peace of mind.
Secondly:
Those who told your fiancé about what happened to you were wrong, and they have to repent and seek forgiveness, because it is not permissible for them to make people’s honour a topic to chat about in their gatherings, or to create troubles among people, or to cause them harm. What they should have done was to conceal it and not spread it among people. They should realize that they have sisters and daughters, and for certain they would not want people to do to them the same that they have done to those who were affected by this calamity.
It was narrated from Sahl ibn Sa’d that ‘Uwaymir came to ‘Aasim ibn ‘Adiyy, who was the chief of Banu ‘Ajlaan and said: What do you say about a man who finds a man with his wife? Should he kill him then you would kill him, or what should he do? Ask the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) about that for me. ‘Aasim came to the Prophet (S) and said: O Messenger of Allaah, but the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) disliked such questions. ‘Uwaymir asked him and he said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) disliked the question and considered it shameful.
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4745) and Muslim (4929).
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: With regard to the words “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) disliked such questions and considered it shameful”, what is meant is that he disliked questions for which there is no need, especially if it involves uncovering the secrets of a Muslim man or woman, or spreading evil or disclosing something condemnable about a Muslim man or woman.
Thirdly:
You do not have to divulge this secret to anyone, even if he proposes marriage to you. People are not able to keep secrets. There is hardly any Muslim whose religious commitment or reason is sound enough to conceal a matter like this or overlook it.
As your fiancé has treated you in this manner and wants to separate, this indicates that he has been influenced by what that criminal said, and he may have already decided that life with you will be miserable. What we advise you to do is keep away from him altogether and do not marry him, because you cannot be sure that it would not affect your lives after that.
Ask Allaah for guidance concerning this separation by praying istikhaarah, and asking Allaah to divert you from marrying him if marriage to him will be bad for your religious and worldly affairs, and ask Allaah to decree good for you and make you content with it.
So pray istikhaarah; you can find more information about it in the answer to question no. 11981.
If your fiancé wants to change his mind about separation, he should understand that his reward with Allaah will be great if he conceals what he knows about something that was beyond your control. But this must be based on full conviction; it should not be an emotional decision that will soon change. If he wants to come back and get married, then it is not permissible for him to criticize you or blame you for what happened to you, rather it is recommended that he keep quiet and be patient in the hope of reward from Allaah.
And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A
I was sexually abused by a person relates to my family eight times. He became a nightmare in my life. I still see him in all faces. After a period of time I got rid of these horrible memories by Allah’s help then by my fiancée’s. I told my fiancée everything happened in details; because he knew some how through some people I do not know who they are. These people gave my fiancée the number of that man who abused me and my fiancée called him, he told him lies about me, things that have nothing to do with what has really happened. So I had to tell him the truth and explain, when he told me that he found out. My fiancée understood my situation and helped me to forget the matter. After this we had a problem, so I suggested staying away from each other for sometime to calm down, until we find some solution. Then he shocked me by his reaction, which is separation. I tried to understand why he decided this. I found that who helped me is now telling me how weak and narrow minded I am. His revenge was destroying my life.
I tried then to bring this problem to an end, but he insisted on consulting a scholar in the matter. He asked me to ask the scholar about the reward that will be waiting for him, and what he should do especially that he can not stop thinking of taking revenge.
Please tell me about a similar story that happened in the past, and what shall I do now? No one believes that I am innocent but Allah knows best that I am. I do not complain of my grief but to Allah the All-Knowing.
I want to tell you that recently I been very firm with my fiancée, while I am the reason for his suffering. But I realised my mistake and I want to make up. Tell me what I should do.
Finally: please excuse me and forgive me. Please answer my question as soon as possible. May Allah reward you.
You may be wondering why I did not tell my family about what happened although it was repeated eight times. The reason is the fear, my fear of the scandal especially that he was threatening and hitting me, and that there is no talk about these matters at all at our home.
I wish you understand me, may Allah reward you
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
We ask Allaah to relieve your distress and grief, for the effects of molestation are many and great. We ask Allaah to destroy those molesters and those who are not kept in check by religious commitment, reason or decent human nature, for they have no respect for religious teachings, they have corrupted their reason and lost their decent human nature.
If we are surprised by anything, that this criminal molested you at the age of 16, because this is an age at which one is big and able to shout and defend oneself, especially as that happened a number of times. You could also have stopped him by telling your family. No matter how cut off the family members may be from one another, they would not take such incidents lightly. We think that this criminal molester has conveyed this message to your fiancé and told him that you agreed to what he did, and he is the one who has made him change his attitude towards you.
We believe that you were forced, and that you could not escape from his evil actions. We want to support you at this hard time, so we say:
This is something that Allaah decreed for you. Chaste Muslim women in prisons in Muslim and kaafir countries have suffered a great deal from molestation and rape at the hands of Muslim and kaafir evildoers. One's heart would break when hearing their stories and one would wish that he had died before hearing such things.
Our consolation is that Allaah will wreak vengeance upon these criminals, and that Allaah will decree reward for our sisters, but they should seek reward with Him for these calamities. They must bear with patience that which Allaah has decreed for them. It is not permissible for them to commit suicide and kill themselves, for that is a crime and a major sin. We are not saying that it is something easy for the woman who has been molested, rather it is a serious matter, and the effects on the molested woman are grave. Some of them suffer mental illnesses, and some commit suicide or think of suicide. Some of them follow a path of deviation and haraam relationships with strangers. Some of them become depressed and alienated from their husbands. Hence it is essential for the woman who has been molested to seek reward for what has happened to her and to bear its effects with patience, and to seek strength by acts of obedience and faith so that Allaah may honour her with purity of heart and peace of mind.
Secondly:
Those who told your fiancé about what happened to you were wrong, and they have to repent and seek forgiveness, because it is not permissible for them to make people’s honour a topic to chat about in their gatherings, or to create troubles among people, or to cause them harm. What they should have done was to conceal it and not spread it among people. They should realize that they have sisters and daughters, and for certain they would not want people to do to them the same that they have done to those who were affected by this calamity.
It was narrated from Sahl ibn Sa’d that ‘Uwaymir came to ‘Aasim ibn ‘Adiyy, who was the chief of Banu ‘Ajlaan and said: What do you say about a man who finds a man with his wife? Should he kill him then you would kill him, or what should he do? Ask the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) about that for me. ‘Aasim came to the Prophet (S) and said: O Messenger of Allaah, but the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) disliked such questions. ‘Uwaymir asked him and he said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) disliked the question and considered it shameful.
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4745) and Muslim (4929).
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: With regard to the words “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) disliked such questions and considered it shameful”, what is meant is that he disliked questions for which there is no need, especially if it involves uncovering the secrets of a Muslim man or woman, or spreading evil or disclosing something condemnable about a Muslim man or woman.
Thirdly:
You do not have to divulge this secret to anyone, even if he proposes marriage to you. People are not able to keep secrets. There is hardly any Muslim whose religious commitment or reason is sound enough to conceal a matter like this or overlook it.
As your fiancé has treated you in this manner and wants to separate, this indicates that he has been influenced by what that criminal said, and he may have already decided that life with you will be miserable. What we advise you to do is keep away from him altogether and do not marry him, because you cannot be sure that it would not affect your lives after that.
Ask Allaah for guidance concerning this separation by praying istikhaarah, and asking Allaah to divert you from marrying him if marriage to him will be bad for your religious and worldly affairs, and ask Allaah to decree good for you and make you content with it.
So pray istikhaarah; you can find more information about it in the answer to question no. 11981.
If your fiancé wants to change his mind about separation, he should understand that his reward with Allaah will be great if he conceals what he knows about something that was beyond your control. But this must be based on full conviction; it should not be an emotional decision that will soon change. If he wants to come back and get married, then it is not permissible for him to criticize you or blame you for what happened to you, rather it is recommended that he keep quiet and be patient in the hope of reward from Allaah.
And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A
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